I have always disliked taking pictures, unless I had a few to many to drink well then you could not get me away from that camera. Ahh the mortifying courage juice induced "sexy pictures" that tell the story of my early to mid 20's. Since those carefree years I haven't had the courage to take "sexy pictures" again. My identity has changed since those days, I am now a mom of three kids whose body has morphed into this image I didn't recognize. My idea of sexy has turned into shaving my legs once every two weeks for a scheduled date night with scheduled sex and my lame attempt to wear some form of sexy lingerie..pathetic! The honest truth is I had no idea how to be sexy anymore, and come to think of it I don't think I ever believed I truly was sexy to begin with...
Here is the thing I was blessed with a hot husband, I know all women say that about their husbands but mine is HOT!! For example I can't even go to the grocery store with him without women giving him the come get me eyes, smiling at him or going as far as asking him out when I take one of the kids to the bathroom. The women shamelessly hit on him are not average looking they are sexy and range from all age groups. Exhausting! The sweetest thing is that he politely declines their advances and tells me all about it. When I am present he just holds my hand tighter to reassure me that I am the only one for him. I knew I had to find a way to reward this man, my faithful sexy husband who puts up with my body image issues, constant complaining and sad attempts at date nights. I decided to schedule a Boudoir shoot.My friend Tracey started her own Boudoir Photography business and was running a special on her Facebook page. I mean it is not like I have not seen her advertisements before or sneak peeks of her clients pictures and thought "maybe one day when I lose weight" or " not pretty enough for pics like this" but this advertisement felt different. I knew I had to repay my husband for his continued loyalty to me, he could have a Skittles variety of women at his disposal but decides everyday that I am enough for him. I just kept staring at the message App for Facebook trying to find the courage to book my appointment, after a few hours of back and forth I finally did.
My appointment was confirmed and I was scared to death, my mind was going a million miles a minute. My mind was filled with thoughts of self-doubt and the urge to cancel. Reminders such as these kept running through my head; I am not in my 20's anymore, I am now plus size, I have c-section scars, I have acne,stretch marks, cellulite, fat rolls, small lips, thin hair... I felt as though I made a mistake but it was too late to back out now. I already told my husband about the appointment and he was beyond excited about the pictures. I decided to put on my big girl panties and put on my thinking cap, I had decisions to make regarding wardrobe and decided on a Chicago Cubs theme ( hubby's favorite team). I had no idea what to expect when it came to the shoot itself I just panicked thinking of my friend seeing all of my ugly out in the open. I was hoping and praying that Tracy could find a way to work with what I had.
The day of my photo shoot I was a hot mess all day at work. My appointment was not until the evening and I kept trying to think of scenarios in my head on how this might play out. I contemplated on getting drunk before I went to the appointment but decided against it in fear of making a fool out of myself. I knew I just needed to face the music and pull of the band aid . When I arrived it was not at all what I expected. Tracey answered the door to her shop with a warm inviting smile and invited me in, she already had upbeat music playing and showed me where to put my belongings. We immediately got started on my hair and make-up and she talked to me about life which distracted me from feeling nervous. Tracey has this gift of getting you to open up and feel comfortable instantly, by the time my hair and make up was done I felt relaxed. The unexpected thing was I felt at home.
As Tracey got her props and lights set up I got dressed and I felt my adrenaline throbbing through my veins, I knew this was happening my flawed body was about to be in images. I walked into the room with my outfit on and Tracy smiled complimented my choice and asked me to sit on a couch. She took a few test shots and then coached me on how to sit on the couch, move my head, push my feet and knees up and started to shoot. She guided me through a few more pictures I though surely those pictures will look ridiculous with the strange ways she had me hold my body..but she exclaimed "You have to see yourself!" "So Hot!" I started laughing in disbelief until she showed me a shot on her camera screen. I didn't recognize the person in the picture. I thought who is this person?!
Tracy just smiled at me in a way of knowing what I was feeling and just guided me through the rest of my shoot. Each shot she took I found more courage and a feeling of being alive. I felt feminine, sexy, I no longer cared that my flaws were showing. Tracy continued to encourage me by showing me some of her favorite shots when we switched poses. Each image she shared with me ignited fire within me to embrace my inner sexy.
When the shoot was over I felt different..I know sounds strange but I did. I put on the clothes I came in with and they felt wrong with my sexy hair and make-up. I still felt on fire and confident and my clothing didn't reflect that at all! My clothing spoke "I am hiding from the world" and " please don't notice me" which now I felt the latter.The fire that was ignited in me during the shoot was not ready to be put out and was yelling at me all the way home. You are sexy! You are desirable! You are worthy! Stop hiding! Embrace your curves! Stop comparing yourself to others! You are unique! You are talented! Live your life!
It has been a year since my first Boudoir shoot with the amazing Tracey Long and my life has drastically changed. Never in million years would I have thought that this photo shoot was actually for me instead of my husband. Sure my husband liked the pictures but he already thought I was sexy! I just had to start believing my self that I am. I no longer have sad attempts of sexy date nights,I am now sexy for him and myself everyday!! Do I have days that go back to my old thinking? Sure! That is when I pull out my pictures to reignite my fire and remind myself to never be that old person again and snap out of it.
Take my advice ladies Boudoir Sessions with Tracey lead to the first steps of self-love.. Let her help you ignite your fire and start believing!
"Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire"